the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just invented taco cereal.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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