Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
