My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
