cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
