I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
