party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
is wine microwaveable?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
