I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
