that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
