Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
