Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
