Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
