I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
