Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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