So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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