i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
