I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize