I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
