She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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