$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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