First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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