ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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