I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
