Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
