I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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