And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
from now on my penis is your penis
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
