The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
