I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
