It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
