On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There's always time for handjobs
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
