she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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