4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
