Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
