He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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