I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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