the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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