I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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