She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
