smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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