I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
