i don't plan on having that self control this summer
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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