Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
