i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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