cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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