i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
