No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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