Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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