Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I touched a dick in church today
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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