I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
