R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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