And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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