After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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