two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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