yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
