just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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