Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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