Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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