I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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