come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
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So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
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Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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