You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
