My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
