Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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