He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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