you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
