i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
